I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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