life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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