he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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