I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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