Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My liver just broke up with me...
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
