I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
