just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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