I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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