I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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