so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
