Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
