i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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