I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
