i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
