I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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