I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
nutella sex= disaster
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
