I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
