The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
