I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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