sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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