and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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