My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
