Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
