All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
