Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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