the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
