Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
