I can't watch pbs sober anymore
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
