I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
