sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
