I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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