Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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