Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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