I can tuck mytits in my pants
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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