How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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