Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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