I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize