Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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