Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
