Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize