At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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