when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
