Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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