dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
