if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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