sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize