My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
