I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
