I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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