I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
