Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
