it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
