Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
