My Higher Power is John Stamos
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
