God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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