I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
