i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
