he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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