btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
