I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
