Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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