turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
