You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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