i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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